Nine Universal Lies

Pink and green styrofoam packing peanuts spill out on Sam's coffee table as he removes his mail order lie detector from it's cardboard carton. The fiancee of 3 days, 1 hours, 32 minutes and 15 seconds is in his kitchen.

"Dinner is ready!" she yells. Mesmerized by his new contraption and its instruction manual, he ignores her.

"Congratulations on your purchase of the world's finest lie detector. Following these simple instructions will guarantee years of foolproof non-truth discovery."

The fiancee sets two identical glasses down on his coffee table, on full of red wine, the other of banana pudding. He grunts his thanks and continues reading.

"Like fingerprints, every individual's lies are unique. Before your lies can be distinguished from your truths you must read the following list of nine universal lies aloud to calibrate the machine and set a baseline for comparison."

Sam reads them each out loud in turn:

1. "I cannot read."
2. "I am not on Earth."
3. I am not a human being."

Glancing over quickly at the now empty glasses on his coffee table and the fiancee, he continues reading.

4. "I am unaffected by the plight of the less fortunate."
5. "I am completely happy with the direction my life is taking."

The fiancee puts her feet on his coffee table and begins painting her toenails.

6. "I can quit any time I want."
7. "I am not troubled by my dreams."
8. "I am not afraid of dying."

The fiancee begins making cave painting like designs on his coffee table with her fingernail polish. He looks over to her and stares.

9. "I love you."