Free Sample

Odd doings at the grocery store today. I had made my way down the refrigerated dairy aisle when suddenly I found myself in a snarled traffic jam of shopping carts. My fellow shoppers all frozen together mouths agape as they listened to the free sample lady who was engrossed in a rambling discourse. "Ladies and gentlemen, the power of this fine product to change your life is unparalleled in the world of American consumerism today." Bright blue apron and her hair in a bun, she waved a long skewer with a small Vienna sausage on it to emphasize points as she talked on.

"The secrets revealed to you by the taste of this fine little wiener dog will forever change you... body and soul." The crowd of shoppers edged closer to the now red faced woman as she shouted on. "Now, who here is bold enough among you to taste heaven... to sample this Vienna sausage!" She looked menacingly out at the shoppers, peering earnestly from behind her bifocals, as if searching the crowd for a doubter. I could feel my heart pounding. That scared pop quiz and I didn't read last night's assignment feeling in my chest.

Sure enough like a snake sensing fear, she honed in on me. "You there!" she bellowed, motioning toward me with the skewer. No sooner had the words left her lips then a path opened up through the crowded maze of shopping carts as if by magic. Everyone's eyes turned to me as they all scooted together to allow me passage to the sample lady's booth.

Drawn by an undeniable wanting in my chest I left my cart and walked to the front of the sample lady's stand. "You, sir, are lacking in your life, aren't you?"

I answered quickly and unthinkingly, "Yes, I am." A hushed murmur fell over the dairy aisle.

Knowingly the sample lady looked out over her audience, but spoke as if only to me. "It is the curse of the modern existence that two of our primal needs most often go unmet... the need for safety and the need for pleasure. Gaze upon this tin of Vienna sausages, young man." She held the tin high in her hand over the crowd. Some women gasped.

"These little wiener dogs have what you crave most... they are safe and secure from the world in this reinforced tin container... and they spend their entire existence bathed in sweet nectar!" For a moment I wanted to rush into her outstretched arms as she held the tin aloft. I wanted her to mother me and tell me everything was alright.

"Allow me to show you the meaning of true power!" With that she ripped the lid off the tin of sausages and thrust one into my face. Small and squirming between her fingers just an inch from my mouth. Instinctively I sucked it in, reveling in its essence. The crowd went wild and there was a run on Vienna sausage the likes of which Kash and Karry had never seen.

As the crowd broke up, the sample lady promised that the next weekend she would reveal the mysterious life-giving power of rice cakes.